That’s right baby we’re back, after nearly 4 years TandemShock is back, or… at least, I’m back. Ferny is probably not going to write for this site again, so I guess instead of a TandemShock it’s more like a… a LoneShock. A SingleShock. One finger in one hole. Something like that. But hey, we’ve got an updated site design and it’s not broken anymore! Wowzers.

So yeah we’re coming in hard with a brand new review for a 2-year-old cereal. Okay, clarification: I did not actually eat 2-year-old cereal. I ate the cereal two years ago. Yeah, you read that right, it’s a review for a cheap promotional cereal I ate two whole fucking years ago; this is the kind of quality content you remember from us. It’s far better than if I’d just opened an expired box of cereal and stuffed it down my gullet. Instead, I have to read through old texts and struggle to summon up memories of a time long ago before I slept a lot and did a bunch of stuff.

Now the last time I reviewed a cereal, it was something special – it was Boo-Berry, a cereal I’d longed to try for many years beforehand. I have had more Monster Cereals adventures since then, which apparently I’ve neglected to write about here, but maybe I’ll get around to that later. This time, however, it was not even a cereal I had any interest in or knowledge about. I think Pokémon is cute and all but, like, not to the extent of scarfing down whatever merchandise they bring to the dinner table. No, the story behind this escapade is a romantic epic, one of chaotic fate.

General Mills They say it’s family size, but I ate nearly the whole thing by myself.

It all started one day when my spouse was at the grocery store on their own, as all too many such stories begin. We were preparing to cook chiles relleno that night, so Ferny had gone shopping for chicken thighs and marinade to go with them. And, as they are wont to do, they went to do some perusing around pretty much any other aisle they found their way down. On this particular day, they entered the cereal aisle.

Something you need to know about Ferny is that they touch literally everything in a store. Like, probably 90% of the things they touch, they don’t buy. They just can’t stop picking up or even just patting or poking and prodding every random thing they look at. I know they’re not the only one who does this. People be coming in Wal Mart, going to the restroom, taking a fat dump, neglecting to wash after wiping their arse (if they wipe), or even just walking straight in after picking their nose, picking their butt, picking their coochie, who knows where those fingers have been, and then they come in and they touch everything and set it all back down on the shelves too. It’s the circle of life for unmentionable microscopic organisms.

General Mills A puzzle so easy, a baby could do it. I could do it, and I didn’t recognize most of these until they cropped up in Pokémon GO. I’m from the 90’s, hello.

Suddenly, in a moment of divine inspiration, the all-too-recognizable face of Pikachu beckoned my spouse from the shelf, and they picked up the box.

Now, right behind Ferny, on the other side of the aisle, stood a mother and her child of perhaps 10 years. The mom was trying to get the kid to choose one of the cheap, generic bagged cereals to purchase, but the kid was complaining that they all “taste like cardboard”. However, at this instant, seeing a complete stranger pick up a Pokémon-branded product, the gears started a-turnin’ in that tiny head of theirs. Swiftly the child pointed out my spouse and said “Hey, why does that guy get to have that cereal and I don’t?!”

This is where, as has been discovered by countless strangers, including some children, and more than a few elderly, some hostile, some simply of a foolhardy innocence, my dear spouse’s intrusive thoughts immediately pulled the switch. They turned to the kid and retorted “Because I have money!” Then they threw the box in their basket and even chucked in a box of Cap’n Crunch to rub salt in the wound.

They were supposed to be finding something healthier, like maybe Cheerios, but nah, it was too late for that.

Also, they forgot the marinade.

Pulse Commander | TandemShock Here we go, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the moment of truth.

So anyway, I ate the fucking cereal and it tasted kind of like Trix but with marbits in it. We had debated on whether it would taste like Trix or Berry Crunch, but yeah, it was totally Trix with marshmallows, heck it was even Trix-coloured, so y’know. That’s it, that’s all I really have to say. It was pretty good for my unrefined palate. Ferny ate one bowl and didn’t like it, so I finished the rest of the box off on my own.

It’s over! That’s my story, I hope you liked it. Maybe I’ll get back into posting articles on this thing, who knows? And hey, if you ever have a chance to time travel back to 2021, Pokémon Berry Bolt is a decent choice of cereal if you are looking for a cold breakfast cereal. Take care!

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