It has been almost two years since we’ve written anything for this site. Time to rectify that with an inane article on children’s breakfast cereal!

I had just come down from a bag of Malt-O-Meal Berry Colossal Crunch® with Marshmallows when I got this. I have a major sweet tooth, but sometimes, that cereal is just a little too much, even for me, so to be honest, I had kind of expected this new box to be a bit on the bland side. It’s been my experience that special event limited-edition cereals are considerably duller than the normal ones. Did you ever try that Super Mario Cereal from a couple of years ago? I mean, I enjoyed it, but only the marshmallows really carried any sweetness, is all I’m saying.

So anyway, The Elf on the Shelf, not content with watching your children from the outside, is now trying to get inside your children.

Look at that shit-eating grin. I hope I’m not about to eat shit, too.

The seal in the upper-right corner says “Official Cereal of the North Pole”, but I’m not sure how much I trust that. I mean, do you? Take a closer look at that fellow’s face. That’s the kind of expression that says he definitely left a dastardly surprise in your stocking, and you won’t know whether it’s bodily waste or the remains of the family cat until you look. That’s the kind of face you saw in your youth, a face your mind has rationalized as a mere night terror but your subconscious knows to be real, a face that appeared at the foot of your bed when you jolted awake in the middle of the night, the kind of face that was easily twisted into a devilish grin in the shadows of twilight, revealing the true nature of its bearer. “I’ve seen all of your sins, Susie,” it spoke, somehow, without moving its lips. “Santa isn’t pleased… but I am.”

Look, gaslighting people can be hilarious. Trust me, I’ve done it my fair share of times. And we already lie to our children and tell them that Santa Claus is watching their every move. But, as if that’s not creepy enough, some people have opted to place a gangly, grinning doll in their homes, and move it around so it looks like it’s alive – but only when you’re not looking, kiddo. I know I’m not alone when I say that I wonder if this is going a little too far.

This is all I ever think of when I see this elf. At least I’ve yet to hear of anyone beating their children with one of these.

I’m about four paragraphs in and I’ve yet to even review the cereal. And why do I even bother reviewing foodstuffs when we all know about my disturbingly-broad palate? Alright, let’s get to the part you’ve all been waiting for: the back of the box!

Mrs. Claus’ Sweat Shop? Oh, wait… Oh, “Sweet” Shop.

A huge, well-illustrated comic reinforcing Kellogg’s insidious lies regarding the whimsical origins of this corporate cash-grab. Well, to be honest, the artist has done a decent job of making the elves look friendlier, here (yes, there’s more than one Elf on the Shelf… whether that’s more or less unsettling than the concept of one multidimensional doll manifesting in thousands of homes at once is entirely up to you). Apparently, the idea is that, since the elves are so small, each piece of cereal is practically a whole cookie to them. Hmm, actually, it’s kind of cute. But still!

A bowl of cereal. What do you expect me to say?!

And now, in the final paragraphs of this awful article, I shall discuss the cereal itself. And I actually quite like it! It’s sweet enough, but not too sweet, and it does taste like sugar cookies. If you pour milk in, it doesn’t lose its flavour, either, so you can go either way with it. And on top of that, there are these shiny little gold flecks embedded all over the pieces, which look rather festive (my photo doesn’t do them justice). And even these stay on when it’s soaked in milk! Sure, some of them drift off, but a lot of them cling nicely. I doubt they add any flavour, but it’s kind of a special touch, isn’t it? I don’t see this kind of detail a lot, although to be fair, I don’t eat much beyond the bagged brands, most of the time.

There are also teeny-tiny marbits (marshmallow bits, for the uncultured among us) scattered throughout. These have got to be the smallest marbits I’ve ever seen in a breakfast cereal, but you know what? That’s okay. I’m not going to mock The Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal for having the world’s tiniest marshmallows (honestly buddy, big mood). They add an extra hint of sweetness and the small scale prevents the flavour of marshmallow from overtaking the flavour of the cereal, which I find happens quite often in some cereals. There’s also something visually appealing about them in this Christmassy context, though I can’t presently define this observation via text.

And that’s it! That’s my entire review, a needlessly-wordy, meandering monologue about nothing, with a conclusion that may as well have contradicted the harsh nature of the first half, as you may well have come to expect from my more miscellaneous of articles. This has been nearly two years coming, so I hope you’re happy with it. Perhaps in the new year, I’ll post more again? Or perhaps not. Let’s find out! Happy Holidays, everybody!

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