Episode 101: The Night of No Tomorrow

The introduction is useful as it explains that the party members came to be because they decided to ride a “Dungeons and Dragons Ride” at their local amusement park. I can only assume they were at Disneyland, before Disney’s takeover of Marvel, who produces this cartoon.

Now the first thing is first, the introduction does not INTRODUCE the characters’ names or anything, with only an animated Wallace Shawn helming the party as Dungeon Master. He’s not THE Dungeon Master, he is just known as Dungeon, with an apparent last name of Master.

The Dungeon Master explains to six stereotypical kids (let’s call them the Animated Breakfast Club, because seriously, they are), who have no names during the introduction other than: Ranger, Barbarian, Wizard, Thief, Cavalier, and Acrobat. And don’t forget Uni, the dwarf unicorn who will surely not be the annoyance that it appears to be.

The episode is called The Night of No Tomorrow and was written by Mark Evanier.

The first scenes post introduction are of the six party members, lead by the Ranger, climbing up a massive mountain. I say mountain as I haven’t a clue to what kind of organic rock formation this could be. So this nondescript organic rock face is being climbed. The Barbarian has apparently become fast friends with the useless unicorn, named Uni, as it makes sense: the Barbarian is a freaking 8 year old blonde haired child.

The Acrobat learns that she can echo when she reaches the top of the mountain. I want to say something about the ethnicity lineup for a second: the Acrobat is black. I assume she is black because her skin color is that of a black woman. And she is a woman. There is not a single black male in this party. I find that in the early 80’s the idea of showing racial minorities was limited to female ones, as they were far weaker than their male counterparts, and even FARTHER weaker than their white female contemporaries. I would also like to point out that the Acrobat is wearing savage-looking clothing of animal hides covering up her bosoms and no-no square. She is a black girl wearing an animal hide bra and panties. Just let that sink in a bit.

I legitimately can't tell what ethnicity he is suppose to be and neither can Sheila.

I legitimately can’t tell what ethnicity he is suppose to be and neither can she.

I’m pretty sure the Cavalier is some form of Hispanic/Latino, but the coloring makes him light enough to be considered white in the society of 1980’s America. Damn you Regan! I’m literally 45 seconds into the first episode and I am horribly shamed by how life was prior to my birth. Wait, the Cavalier MUST be some form of Asian. the facial features indicate this.

Oh snap! We get a name! The thief, who I’ve been referring to as Molly Ringwald in my mind is really named Sheila.

The usual banter of “Come on Sheila, we need to kill your brother as he keeps hogging the NES…” comes about being the Cavalier and Molly Ringwald. Then the damn unicorn decides to try echoing its voice, because his BFF the 8 year old Barbarian says he should. Only, nothing happens and they awaken a FUCKING MULTIPLE-HEADED DRAGON!? They’re literally level one characters, and they are dealing with a fucking dragon… a multiple-headed dragon. This is one session material right here.

It’s Tiama the Dragon! Wait, how do they know the name of it? Do they have a Pokédex I am unaware of? The Barbarian decides to go after it, as one would with Sheila saying “Don’t Bobby, she’s indestructible!” At least we learned the little shit’s name before he dies. The Ranger, unfortunately, saves him by shooting his glowing yellow arrow at his club and floating him away. Do arrows do that? What edition is this taking place with? Second? I’m seriously curious.

"meow."

“Meow.”

Bobby the Barbarian is saved by his sister who uses her cloak to turn invisible. She then lectures him on the value of sportsmanship and they drink a healthy glass of Ovaltine. In reality, she just says “Stop being a little shit, you shit fucker” and he just smiles and says “Oh sis!” Wallace the Dungeon Master appears and answer’s the Wizard’s question, “Where did you come from?” with the odd and vague answer of “Oh someplace between there and here.”

The DM informs the party they must travel to some city, where they might find something that will help them leave the D&D realm. We are also introduced to the antagonist of the series, Venger, the bat/snake/man beast guy who seems like a rejected Thunder Cats villain than anything else. The DM disappears behind a rock after offering advice on what to do, and with Sheila apparently worried, and the Cavalier stating “I hate when he does that!” Diana (we finally get the Acrobat’s name) finishes Sheila’s line with “We should go North!”

The party is then seen walking and complaining about how this is a waste of time (this sounds like every campaign party ever). The Cavalier gives us some insight to his life: he is apparently rich and would rather use his dad’s limo than walk, whle Bobby states he would rather trade the limo for a peanut butter and banana sandwich. The Wizard then offers to make food for them from his magic hat, with the Cavalier reminding him, “The last time you did that, you made wild turkeys appear.” The Wizard replies: “It’s not my fault my hat thought it was Thanksgiving.” He tries to make magical burgers appear and…. a live cow. “Gee, Presto, I think I like my burgers a little more well done than that” says Diana, and we learn two things: she’s picky, and the Wizard goes by the name Presto.

They decide to continue walking, finding Merlin’s Castle near by. After some confusion, they realize it’s up on some clouds and need to find a way up. Conveniently a ladder shows up (like in any D&D campaign)  and they make their ascent to the sky. The Cavalier’s name is revealed to be Eric when he quips about the castle being similar to his winter retreat up in the mountains (douche kid), wishing he was there right now. Presto replies with “We wish you were there too Eric.”

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